#358

I have started writing this column on the 30^th of December at 1 am. Guess I will finish this a week after the deadline deep in January. Whatever. My birthday is coming up. It’s on the 3^rd of January. I will turn 26 which means it’s 4 more years till punk death = 30 (it means you will come to a point when you realize you have been punk through half of your life even if you’ve joined in the last minute which is the age 16 and you have to decide to either carry on and disappear with honor). January 3^rd. Same exact day Nietzsche went crazy after he saw a person beat a horse into almost death. On that date Hitler’s father died which is kinda funny if I think about it, my dad shares a birthday with Hitler’s death day. Both of us look like we are jews while we are not. Also my first band (who were supposed to play it’s first show on my 16^th birthday but got delayed to one week further) broke up on my father’s birthday and on hitler’s death day. It’s just my sentimental mind that makes such a big deal out of dates not that I have the agenda to point out that there is some cosmic thing about me and nazi leaders. I still am just some regular dude who maybe thinks too much about the whole universe.

I have a roommate but our flat is just one room. I ordered him to set up a surprise party for me otherwise I will throw him out to the streets. Cause for sure I’m just like everybody else I want surprise parties every year and also survive my funeral and see how people have realized since I’m gone they kinda loved me. I only had one birthday party and maybe I had it cause I share the same birthday with one of my best friends. So he had a birthday party and I was invited as well and I got a cake too. I almost had an amazing birthday once.
I was a freshman in high school and just got into punk in the sense of that I have started to go to shows in every 3 months and also posting on local message boards controversial bullshit to have beefs. There was a festival on my birthday with all the best local bands who I loved then. Two of them were raised me in a way. And we were supposed to go there with all my norm friends and a girl from my class who looked beautiful, listened to NOFX and she was kinda sweet to me (she ended up being a junkie).

Everyone quit on me early afternoon. So from the best possible night of my then so far life by a second it turned into the worst shit ever. I locked myself into my room and was just blasting one of the bands’ - that played that night - cd on full volume and sang along to the lines like “if they say life is a crime then I’m innocent cause I wasn’t happy not even for a day”. While I cried. My mother freaked out because she is just a person who cares so she asked my brother to sacrifice his Saturday night and be my entourage or more like my driver and security guard for that show. She said I can’t be depressed on my birthday. But she also thinks no one should be depressed at any time, even if she always tells me she is depressed – luckily she isn’t really. My brother dug out some of his most worn out cloths as camouflage and we went for the show. He got bored quick so we only watched two and a half bands and the half band was the band that changed my life and also it shared members with my then future band and the friend with whom we share the same birthday. Also the band I was blasting in the solitude of my temporary teenage tragedy I shared membership in two bands with one of the members and soon i will help him out on bass for his solo D-beat project band.

That night was kinda magical. The place was in a total blown out part of the city. Many scary people: Strung out bums, aggressive skinheads, random low life people. My brother stayed in the back and I lost myself in the crowd. The whole event was like finally I stepped into a place where I have belonged. It was full of excitement and addictive danger. I saw many things that night that was new but I understood them. It was the same frustration I had, the same need to be somewhere where you feel finally at home. When you feel like finally you are close to something important. Where you can disappear to be found. It was something I could describe but it wouldn’t make any sense to people who wasn’t there even if they would understand my words.

A decade later after a Neon Piss show here in our town we were sitting outside the venue drinking beer and smiling. Discussing with friends that if we have gone to work tomorrow what would have we said. That we went to a show. But it was at a rehearsal room at an industrial site. Where only 40 people came but the whole room was dripping in sweat and happiness and spilled out beers thus it felt like the whole world is in that room. The crowd was half naked even some girls, that we were hugging each other and due to this at some point everybody lost track of where their bodies end and other people’s start. It was just beautiful. While it was the same thing, the same thing that is still fresh. The same thing that I have finally found that night 11 years ago.

In the unstoppable force of the crowd when my favorite local band played and it was just loud and beautiful and so true. The singer who’s now my friend was singing so loud it woke me up for days. We left at half of their set and I remember sitting into my brother’s car I felt like I’m in a bubble and this will protect me. That bubble has expanded and now it’s full with friends, and memories, and achievements. Like last night on my birthday where I got a fanzine with many of my friends saying amazingly sweet things about me, about how they see me and about how we are in each other’s lives. And fuck I think I’m kinda bipolar cause it is changing in me always that either I feel amazing for no reason or terribly shitty for no reason. But maybe they are right and everything is possible and we will make it.

It’s just weird. I hate education but love learning and thinking so nowadays sometimes I read philosophy mostly on Wikipedia and then think for myself. Probably this made me realize things or worse and due to I’m stupid as fuck I project these badly understood ideas on my life. Anyway I spent this afternoon with hanging with my friends, ate a lot, made out with an amazing girl then met for a birthday dinner with my ex girlfriend to eat ramen and soup dumplings, strolled with her a little bit, had couple laughs, said our good byes then I started listening to Neu!, toke a bus ride and started reading my birthday gift which was the fanzine. And started crying on the bus. Came home finished the rest. Not all my friends wrote into this. And it was weird who were some of the people who did but instead of feeling that I lack some people here I just started recalling all the amazing things that have happened to us, with us and how I love some people and how much they did for me. And fuck one of my all time favorite band Cloak / Dagger just made a picture for me with all of them greeting me with pizza and moonshine. This made me think on something else as well.

One of the most influential people from the Bay Area scene and maybe from all over the world has just passed away in the recent past. I have never met Sarah Kirsch although one of my best friends played with her in many bands and she was his best friend. When I read the news I did not know what to do. I just felt that there’s a friend at the other end of the world and he is in a big loss and I just can’t help him now. I can’t be there for him cause when someone dies it’s the people who are still alive and in grieving matters. It was amazing in a way how many people reacted with telling their appreciation on how much Sarah did for them, for her city for her community for our community that is international punk. And it was Robert from MRR and Terminal Escape was who said these sort of things should be said to each other while we are alive. So I wrote a letter to my friend and I told him how much I miss him, how much he did to me and how much I’m sad for his loss. And what else could and should we do to make life better for the living? For us. Mostly for ourselves because that’s the person we have to stay with for the most. And If you get appreciated just hang on for that. Keep it true even after you have received someone’s love. Just try cause the good things should start at one point.